Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
