I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
