it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
