Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
