I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My breasts were aching with rage.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
