I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
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