woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
