He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
