I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
