dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
