my phone needs a breathalizer
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
