this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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