It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
