every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
