upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
