yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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