I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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