Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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