Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
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