I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
