I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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