Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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