I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
