He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Is Oprah even human
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
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