Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize