we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
