Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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