i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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