You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
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