I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
