Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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