Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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