Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
