Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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