Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
