she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
