I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
