i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
