that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The air was thick with penises
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
