i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
