I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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