Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
