Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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