amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
