i already hear my dad disowning me
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
