that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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