Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
