I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
We smell like vodka and hangover
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
