I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
