I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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