I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
