Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
