I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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