At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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