thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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