I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
