tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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