We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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