I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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