just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
