i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
