Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
