take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
