You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
